Who are we being that we are on the brink of a war?
I will always remember the day Frank (my father) sang these words to me.
I, like so many other people have had many conflicting ideas about how to be a man.
Lesley (my mother) often criticized Frank, and only now am I beginning to understand what is likely to be true.
I believe there is no simple formula to follow to be a man. The advice "be yourself" may be true, though I did not find the advice at all useful.
After years of attempting to model Lesley's idea about what she expected of Frank, I have found that is definitely not the way to go. Many of the role models that I admired were not the best role models to follow. Many people said Frank was weak. Yet I have discovered that much of what others claimed to be Frank's weaknesses were in fact his strengths.
It was late in Frank's life when he sang that song to me.
I think he was still feeling lost in those roads to manhood.
I certainly was.
As a child, I wanted to be a good boy. I put in much effort. I earnestly prayed for God to make me a good boy. Yet I did not really understand that goal. Lesley was doing her best to be a good mother. I now have empathy for Lesley. The goal she was pursuing was impossible to achieve. At that time in her life she failed to realize that her definition of good was in some ways no less valid than another person’s idea of what is good.
She said “I would consider myself to be a good mother if my sons did not go to jail before they were twenty one years of age, and her daughters did not get pregnant before they got married.” I said “Lesley, I have different aspirations for my daughter.” I really meant what I said. Lesley later claimed that she was joking in making that statement, yet I believe that there can be some truth in any comment made in jest.
I believe that a boy is not a man unless he can openly declare his beliefs to his parents and respect the right of his parents to have a different set of beliefs.
Frank never gave me the opportunity to face that challenge with me. He was totally willing for me to develop my own beliefs, and thought that his guidance would only deny me the opportunity to create my own solutions to my problems. I remember that when any of us children shared any of our problems with Frank, he would ask “What are you going to do about it?”
Lesley often complained that Frank did not do enough in the family.
Only two years before Frank died I asked him “Frank, why did you not play a more active role in bringing up us children?” Frank answered “I considered that Lesley did more than enough for the two of us and any more from me would be excessive”.
Frank never truly faced the challenge of facing his father. I do not know if he thought it would be impolite to do so, or he was afraid. Maybe he thought he was respecting or honouring his father by being passive rather than fighting for the right to be treated as an equal. It was frustrating for workers on the orchard. Frank would give instructions, and later his father would come along and give different instructions to the workers. Frank knew about this, and Lesley put up with Frank’s despair and depression. He felt more like a helpless child than a confident man when dealing with his father. I wonder how Frank felt being called Frank Pullar Junior while his father was known as Frank Pullar Senior. I do know that he was proud of having the Frank R Pullar Childcare Centre named in honour of his work as a councilor and President of the Rodney Shire Council.
I remember one day during the school holidays. One of my school friends was staying with our family for a few days. We had been playing with Frank’s tape recorder. Frank was angry and he told me and my friend that we were not to play with his tape recorder without his permission. I understood, and learned that I had overstepped that boundary. It was not a problem to me. However it was a problem to Lesley. She was very angry with Frank for speaking to me and my friend in that way on one of the few occasions when I had a friend come to our house to stay. I learned that Lesley was making it difficult for Frank to express himself openly, and Frank had not stood up for his right to do so. I keep thinking that if Frank had stood for his rights with his father and his wife, Lesley may have been inspired to be more open with Julie, her mother.
Lesley was telling me how terrible it was that Frank cried. Yet I have learned that a man can be strong by expressing his emotions, not as a victim but as a person who is willing to do whatever it takes to do something about any situation that needs to be changed.
Lesley often criticized the things that Frank did. She put together these words:
“Our father who art at bowls
Hallowed be thy game”.
I think she resented him spending that time away from the family.
Yet I now realize how important it is for me to spend time with other people outside my family.
Many people said Frank was weak. I often wondered what they meant when they said that. I knew of several times he had the determination and strength to stand up and say what he truly believed despite much criticism from Lesley and other people. I often thought in terms of physical strength. Yet after regularly attending the gym I discovered that they were probably talking about something other than physical strength. Possibly they were speaking of emotional strength and strength of character.
Frank attended church nearly every Sunday. Lesley only wanted to attend on special occasions and thought that Frank was being indulgent and neglecting his family by spending that time away from the family. Frank valued regular attendance at church and participation in other church activities. I have now learned to respect my own values rather than compromising. I also now understand the wisdom of choosing a partner who supports me in that.
I remember an argument between Frank and Lesley. Frank was not willing to say he was sorry for something that he had done. He was willing to apologize and committed to being more considerate. He was humble enough to admit to his mistakes yet he considered that being sorrowful about it would only tend to bring both Lesley and him down. Lesley wanted Frank to say he was sorry. They never resolved that conflict. They had many unresolved conflict between them. Frank and Lesley had different values. As I read books and attend counselling and participate in courses about relationships, I am taught the importance of compromising. I followed that advice, thinking that would bring me peace in my relationship. However my compromise only left me with an unsatisfying relationship and an increasing number of unresolved issues.
I now believe that a man is a person who is not willing to compromise his values. He is willing to enquire into how valid his values are, and to examine any conflicting values he may have. He does not compromise his values to get the approval of other people. He is committed to listening to any criticism of himself, and to doing whatever it takes to be in integrity.
I have heard many men complain that their wives treated them badly. They told about the woman screaming or yelling. I have been to counselling, and many times the counsellor paid more attention to what my former partner was doing “wrong” than teaching me to be there for her in her fear and pain. I attended a men’s group, and heard men talking about how unreasonable their partners were being.
I used to also behave as a powerless victim in my relationship with my partner. I blamed her for my pain and despair. Nearly all my family, friends, workmates and acquaintances blamed her too.
I have now learned that a real man is one who can be there for her woman no matter what is going on for her. He can be with her in her joy, in her sadness, in her fear and in her excitement. He can be responsible for nurturing the relationship rather than blaming her for the problems in the home. He can be strong enough to allow his woman to feel safe enough to express herself fully. She may scream, cry, laugh, sing or dance. She can share her deepest secrets with him knowing that she can trust that he will never disclose anything confidential with anybody else. I do not know many men like that.
I am still learning about being a man. I am glad that I have learned much over the years. I often think how difficult it is for males of the human race in our society to become men when our media, television, newspapers and magazines are showing us such poor examples. Advertisers who tell us that we need to purchase their products to be a man. Movies that give us misleading messages. Even laws that attempt to restrict us and remove our freedom to be men. Years ago there were men who fought for their god given rights to the freedom to be men.
There are still some men willing to fight for that freedom.
http://peterpullar.blogspot.com