"Forgive and Forget? We Don't Think So!"
by Susie and Otto Collins
In every relationship you're involved in, it's inevitable that
something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be
upset or angry with the other person or the other person will be
upset with you. Many of us try to forget what has happened to us
without really taking the time to address the issue. We believe that
in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.
Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget"
something, the more you end up focusing on it?
If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think
of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how
hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking
about the color blue.
The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation
that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you
just can't seem to do it. You think you've forgotten but it's come
back up in other ways.
We believe that instead of forgetting, you have to forgive and let go.
Many people write to us wanting to know how they can forgive when
they have been wronged--a spouse cheated on them; they've been abused
in one way or another; or maybe their feelings have been hurt and
they don't feel loved or valued.
What we have found is that the process of healing a relationship
requires more than forgiveness. You must also let go.
But let go of what?
In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving
someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.
The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be
justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to
be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past
So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually
doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but
it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.
Eckhart Tolle in his book "The Power of Now" talks about how to let
go of negativity and we think that the same holds true for letting go
of attachments-Tolle says to let go of negativity "by dropping it.
How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your
hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are
carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or
carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it."
Just decide to do it.
Susie and her sister moved their mother from her home of 50 years to
an assisted living Alzheimer's facility. At the beginning of this
process, their mother had anger, hurt, and resentment toward her
daughters and her new situation.
From the time of taking their mother's car away from her, Susie
and her sister began practicing letting go of their mother's anger,
while allowing her to feel her feelings. They continually practiced
forgiving the words of anger that were directed toward them and just
sent her love.
Susie practiced a "Thirty-Nine Day Prayer of Forgiveness" given to
her by Shaman Connie Parkinson to help with this situation with her
mother. She's used it before to help heal a broken relationship.
Here it is--along with an explanation--and we urge you
to try it. It really works!
"Every day, for 39 days, all alone and in private, you say
(Name), I thank you for all you have done to me and those
I love. I ask your forgiveness for all I have done to you. Let
us begin a new relationship.
(Your own name), I love you. You are an exceptionally
wonderful and beautiful person and I approve of you.
This prayer is extremely simple, It's extremely hard, it's
extremely effective. By thanking the one who has injured
you, you are putting yourself a little bit in that person's
place, and you are recognizing that everyone is driven by
impulses we are not to know, and that everything that
happens to you is for your growth and your good."
By asking forgiveness for yourself, you are recognizing that
you had a part in the relationship. By telling yourself that
you love and approve of you, you are renewing strength
in the one human being in your life who can truly help you--
The 3 is for the triune spiritual effect of will, action, and
manifestation. The 9 brings an ending to your grief and
anger and resentment against the person. The prayer
itself opens you to a new understanding of both yourself
and the one who injured you. The only thing you are
trying to change is yourself and your emotions. As for
the relationship, wait and see. You could be surprised
how you'll feel toward this person at the end of 39 days."
Along with this exercise, if you want to move toward forgiveness in your life, here are two questions for you to answer that will help you in this process:
*Who do I need to forgive?
*What step do I need to take to begin this process?
We encourage you to start today to do what you know that you need to do to begin letting go of what you have been holding onto and moving into creating the life and having the love that you want.
Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" "Communication Magic" and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit http://www.collinspartners.com